Like most people, I tend to do things that I know aren’t good for me. For instance, I know drinking shots of Jameson on an empty stomach is not a smart thing to do, but yet I find I still do it. I know that eating a whole jar of Nutella in one sitting isn’t a good idea, ok, so I haven't done that……yet. Let’s go with I know that eating 5 slices of pizza will make me feel sick, but sometimes I just can’t help myself. These are things I do, even though I know there will be consequences, so I don’t do them often. The one thing I find myself doing often, that I know I shouldn’t is comparing myself to others. And this my friends, is a big one for me.
For the most part, I’m happy with my life. No, I’m not exactly where I thought I would be when I was younger, but honestly I didn’t know where I would be at this age, so maybe I am. I don’t have a career, I have a job. I don’t have my Bachelor’s degree, but I’m close. I don’t have a boyfriend, but whatever. I usually don’t feel bad about what I’m doing because I’m having fun, and I’m trying to make the most out of what I have. I’m meeting interesting people, doing fun things, and living close to NYC. I try not to focus on what I don’t have, until I start comparing myself to others that's when I run into issues.
I see people who are younger than me that have things going on in their lives that are fantastic, and amazing. I see them writing books, plays, and music. They’re rebuilding villages, and building wells for them to have clean water. They’re out there getting things done. Then I see some of the people I graduated with becoming doctors, lawyers, neuro-psychologists, and I actually do know someone that is a full-fledged rocket scientist. Now, I have no desire to be any of these things, but I do find myself being slightly jealous that they are. I also start to feel slightly inferior. Honestly, I know I’d be a crap lawyer, neuro-thingy and anything to do with math or science is definitely not for me, but I still find myself starting to feel bad about me because I’m not those things. It sounds crazy, but I do. And, it’s only recently that I’ve managed to stop myself when I get to this point. I have no real reason to feel bad about myself. I’m a nice person, cute-ish, I’m smart, I have a lot going on, and although I don't like to blow my own horn (who does), I have been told I'm the whole package. Not sure I believe that, but I'll accept it. My problem is that I have no real idea of what I want to be when I grow up. That’s what I think I’m jealous of, people who have a direction.
I’m not ashamed to admit it. I just did, right up there. You saw it, but I’ll say it again. I have no clue what I want to be, although writer and photographer are up there on the list. What I do know is what I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be stuck somewhere that makes me unhappy, whether it’s a relationship, career or place. I don’t want to be unhappy in general. I don’t want to limit my experiences and my options. I don’t want to choose to do something just because I need something to do. I do realize that sometimes these things can’t be helped, but I’m going to avoid them for as long as I can, if I can.
So for now when I start feeling bad because my friends are all becoming extremely smart things, or whatever, I just have to stop myself from feeling bad and remember that everything happens when it’s supposed to, and everyone has their own path. I have to stay true to my path, whatever that may be (if any of you know, feel free to tell me), and do what I feel is right for me. I’m not anyone else so I can’t do what makes them happy. I can only do what makes me happy, and follow my crazy, winding, will-get-me-there-eventually path.
